I have gone but not too far

I have gone but not too far

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Where Is My Mind

With your feet on the air

And your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it,yeah

Your head'll collapse

If there's nothing in it

And then you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind.

What is stigma to me? Stigma is when people judge me for having a mental health condition. Stigma to me can be obvious and direct, such as someone making a negative remark about my mental illness or my treatment. Or it may be subtle, such as someone assuming that I could be unstable, violent or dangerous because I have a mental health condition. Now you may think to yourself, have I encountered this? The answer is yes I have and its quite a terrible thing. What have I done to try and cope with my mental health? I have tried to educate myself as much as I can about  having bi-polar so I can speak with the best of people and tell them how I cope with living with what I have to live with. I was told I should never say "I am bipolar" I am not a illness. I have bipolar is the approach I always use. I try as much as I can to speak out for mental health I am only a small voice. If I was more successful I am sure I would be able to make more of an impact on the subject of Mental Health.

Things in Ireland that I feel need to change for the better regarding Mental Health are as follows. When someone is in a depressed and in a low state of mind and they want to speak to a friend, the last thing they want to hear is "Billy came around to my house last night and he spent all night talking the last thing I want is him calling at 7pm in the evening".  Maybe you are not aware of it, but this type of comment is a major factor. The time when I had planned to take my own life, I felt I had no one to talk to and no one would listen to me. I am sure many of you can relate to that in someway or the other.
This business of meeting people lets say in the morning and you are trying to be in good spirits and you are having a joke and a laugh and people say "oh did you take the happy pills this morning" now I can take it they do not know my situation and know that I take bipolar medication but it reinforces an idea to me that hang on a second you can not be happy you are better of sad and when you are sad don't call to my house to speak about it because really when I am at home I don't give a damn about you or your problems. You may look at that and say "oh its just a remark Ciaran" well its these things that need to change and then it will be ok in my eyes.

Bipolar this idea that its just happy one minute and sad the next, really gets under my skin. I found these Myths and Facts which I think are very helpful.

Myths and Facts About Bipolar Disorder

Myth: People with bipolar disorder can’t get better or lead a normal life.

Fact: Many people with bipolar disorder have successful careers, happy family lives, and satisfying relationships. Living with bipolar disorder is challenging. But with treatment, healthy coping skills, and a solid support system, you can live fully while managing your symptoms.

Myth: People with bipolar disorder swing back and forth between mania and depression.

Fact: Some people alternate between extreme episodes of mania and depression, but most are depressed more often than they are manic. Mania may also be so mild that it goes unrecognized. People with bipolar disorder can also go for long stretches without symptoms.

Myth: Bipolar disorder only affects mood.

Fact: Bipolar disorder also affects your energy level, judgment, memory, concentration, appetite, sleep patterns, sex drive, and self-esteem. Additionally, bipolar disorder has been linked to anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems such as diabetes, heart disease, migraines, and high blood pressure.

Myth: Aside from taking medication, there is nothing you can do to control bipolar disorder.

Fact: While medication is the foundation of bipolar disorder treatment, therapy and self-help strategies also play important roles. You can help control your symptoms by exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, eating right, monitoring your moods, keeping stress to a minimum, and surrounding yourself with supportive people.  quoted from Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D

I feel employers really need to develop a better understanding of mental health in Ireland Now I know this subject can be open for debate, I don't wish it to be. I just want people to understand that I wish to be able to have the right to say' listen before I start this job, I might have an appointment once a month with the doctor and I don't want to tell you a lie and say its for subject matter X ,when really its because I have bipolar and I need to go see the psychiatrist. ,This is not going to affect my work, i'll even be more creative than most of the other people you have working for you but I feel lets just have a honest relationship and let me show you that I can work and work well. I have bipolar under wraps and its not going to affect my work'.

I hope this sheds some light on the subject for people and lets them understand where I see things over on my side of the road. I'll come stand on your side of the road if you ask me over.


Thanks for reading,

Ciaran Behan.

@mrcbehan



“We read to know we are not alone.” ― C.S. Lewis

“Creativity is closely associated with bipolar disorder. This condition is unique . Many famous historical figures and artists have had this. Yet they have led a full life and contributed so much to the society and world at large. See, you have a gift. People with bipolar disorder are very very sensitive. Much more than ordinary people. They are able to experience emotions in a very deep and intense way. It gives them a very different perspective of the world. It is not that they lose touch with reality. But the feelings of extreme intensity are manifested in creative things. They pour their emotions into either writing or whatever field they have chosen"  ― Preeti Shenoy

This Extract was taken from Life is what you make it



I guess you are wondering what I am planning to get at - well I am going to explain.. I think you may like this. Let us go back to last Christmas. I was deciding on what present I was going to get Mellor's niece 'M' who I see as my own niece. I planned to do something quite special for her Christmas present. The girl in question is in her Junior Cert year in school and I have deep admiration for her, she is a very special young lady. I have seen her grow over the last 11 years and I can see a lot of my own experiences in life in what she faces on a day to day basis. I said to myself I would set out on a task that would be carried out over most of the year. This task was going to be set around reading. I have a great passion for reading and public libraries. I thought to myself I would introduce the 'M' to reading and with some luck that would help her find a love for books and the library.

The plan started that 'M' would get a book for Christmas called 'Noughts and Crosses' by  Malorie Blackman -  the reason I picked this, was it had a hidden message on racism. She got the present on Christmas day along with an envelope which stated if she wanted to enter the "Ciarán Behan Christmas present extravaganza 2012/2013" she would have to agree to certain terms and conditions. If she didn't want to take part, she could just read the book and we would not start the task. Needless to say she said she would enter the "Ciarán Behan Christmas present extravaganza 2012/2013" The guidelines had been set out that she would have to read the book in a six week deadline and present herself to my house on the Saturday. The reason behind this was that she could spend time with myself & Mellors and make a day of it.

On the night I get the room set up like a mock style interview to build to the whole scene of 10 questions for the book. I have a YES marked envelope and a NO marked envelope on the mantle piece also a ? marked envelope up there. The Yes is given if she passes the No is given if she fails. ( the aim is never to fail ) The ? contains the 10 questions on which I will ask all about the book. So for the first book, she was able to answer all of the questions and the Yes envelope was handed to her, while the No envelope and questions were put in the fire never to be seen again. That's the killing part to wonder what is in that no envelope! Within the Yes envelope is a handwritten letter congratulating her on the brilliant effort that was made and an explanation that part 2 of the "Ciaran Behan Christmas present extravaganza 2012/2013" is going to be a (you guessed it) a book. I plan to continue this all the way to October leading to the penultimate ending of her reading 'Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West' by Gregory Maguire.

My aim is to give the young lady in question the 1) Joy of reading and 2) show her that working for something can really pay off if you stick with it. I will never tell her the aims of this project  I hope these life lessons will stick with her and maybe not today or tomorrow but some day the penny will drop and she will see what this nearly year long project was all about. For myself, this is a great thing to do and I am very proud of this project as I have learned a lot about myself and how I can be very good at things if I put my mind to it. So far to date the feedback from the young lady has been amazing, she loved the books she has read. So I shall list for you the books we have done so far and what is in the pipeline.

1) Noughts & Crosses By Malorie Blackman

2) The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time By Mark Haddon

3) The Catcher in the Rye By J.D. Salinger

4) The Fault in Our Stars By John Green

5) Wild Swans By Jung Chang

6) Pay it Forward By Catherine Ryan Hyde

7) Trinity By Leon Uris

8) Lord of the Flies By William Golding

9) Animal Farm By George Orwell

10) Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West By Gregory-Maguire

All these books I feel will have key messages and will serve a purpose. My plan for the last book number 10 is to get everyone in the family together and make it a big night as when she opens that YES envelope it will explain that I will be bringing her to see Wicked in the Bord Gais Energy Theatre and we will have a weekend out in Dublin and have some fun. This is just a simple idea that has so many benefits for any young person. Feel free to take this idea and make it your own as I really believe we should never forget about the simple things in life.

Remember folks, we also have some of the best public libraries in Europe and they are free to use. Stop in say hello and join up. Don't think just because you have a E-reader they are of no use to you now, the library also loans e-books.

Thanks for reading,

Ciaran Behan

@mrcbehan



Sugar and the lack of it.

It has been a long time since I have updated my blog so I decided to get back into the swing of things. Well some of you who are reading will know from my twitter feed that I was told I have Diabetes back in October 2012. I knew I had a problem but what that problem was I did not know as I had been taking anti psychotics for my bipolar and I was noticing that my craving for sugary products like coke and sweet food and junk food was going through the roof. I will say I was not just overloading myself with these products as I am quite aware of the dangers of what happens to you if you do. I did however start to increase as weeks had passed. The real tell tale sign was my trips to the toilet I was urinating around 12 times a day.

So I went to the doctor ( GP ) and he had told me it could be from the medication and I would need to speak to my psychiatrist. I see more medical professionals then I  know what these days on account of my bipolar. Which is not a bad thing I know as I am very lucky to have the care that I do and I would never complain. Its just a bit confusing on who I should go to for what at times ha ha. I explained my case to the psychiatrist and I said for me I am at a level that I feel I do not need to be taking anti psychotic medication. ( I would like to state if you are taking this medication do not be alarmed if you feel you have a problem please talk you your doctor DO NOT just stop taking these tablets)  So I came of the medication and we had to wait a certain amount of time before we could get a proper reading on my blood. At the time I was on Olanzapine trade name Zyprexa This drug has been in the Irish news before on the 17th of January (my birthday)

Lets roll on to the 9th October 2012 I got a phone call from my GP to go into him he had my results of my lithium levels and my blood sugar results. He broke the news to me that I had type 2 Diabetes and I had a serious amount of life style changes to make. My reading for the test ( I don't know the name ) was 82. If I am honest been told I had Diabetes and also having bipolar broke my heart. You may think " oh you still have your health" well it is not really that way to me. I just feel like I am a broke man and nothing works correct in my body at all. It had a really knock on affect to me and put a right dip in my mood.


My plan of attack was to start and cut out as much sugar out of my diet. Everything became brown, rice pasta & bread. All my fluids became water no juice no coke nothing just plain H20. I cut normal potatoes out also and changed them to sweet potatoes. Now the odd time I would have something of a treat maybe a small slice of apple tart as I was told not to deprive myself of everything but learn small is good. My three square meals a day became six small meals. I did not rush out to join the gym as they said fitness was key I said I would do twenty minutes walk a day.

All of what I have listed was my battle plan for Diabetes type two. While having bipolar in my shadows now this new enemy was not going to get the better of me.  I broke the news to Mellors and she as always told me it was going to be grand and I am going to pull through. That in its self is all I need to hear as she is never wrong in my eyes. I broke the news to my second Twitter as always the feedback was super and people were quick to lend a hand. To name a few Margaret Smith gave me some super recipes which I am very grateful for. Emotional support was never far from hand from Ireland's only freelance independent nurse specialising in diabetes  Helena Farrell if I ever had a question she was happy to help me or point me in the right direction. I have to say Helen Major was a super help from the USA always checking in with me to see how I am coping and sending me on very useful information as she had a lot of first hand experience. I would say a lifesaver Those are to name a few and again I am very grateful. I have followed my regime not very strict but tight enough it really is not enjoyable but it becomes OK over time. I said to myself when I first started taken my medication for bipolar when my tablets start to  fall in numbers that would be a sign that I was getting better. So now we have to add two extra tablets a day on top of the other medication for bipolar was a little thing going off in my head saying " Ciaran you are not getting better you are getting more sick" I learned to deal with this and really accepted it for what it was.

I say to myself sometimes if it was just bipolar or just diabetes it would be OK but two at the one time really has a effect on my all ready new found sheltered lifestyle. These are just some of the random thoughts that float through this 0/100 miles a hour brain of mine. When I break it down if I am honest it has not been that hard to deal with just a lot of discipline and allow yourself the odd treat. So if you are reading this I just wanna tell you it is hard to start with but once you get on top of every thing you will be grand and I was lucky to have a lot of support from a wonderful partner that is Mellors.

I got my blood results on Monday 13th May ( which i get taken once a month ) and I am nearly in the clear a nice ol reading of 59 so I got a nice big 2 litre of coke a cola and a apple crumble. The party is over and I am back on track to my normal regime. I hope it is not long until I am in the clear I think ill stick to this lifestyle and just have the odd treat anyway.


Thanks for reading

Ciaran Behan
@mrcbehan

Heartache

So life has been getting better and better, I think the may have hit the nail on the head with this medication. Anyway, with my new lease of life, I decided right there and then, spur of the moment to go and apply for a job.
Now I had seen this job advertised in the local paper and it would be right up my alley- it was in a hotel.
I decided to get out my sunday best and make my way down, cv in hand and approach the mananger.

So here I am in the lobby, looking like a lighthouse on overdrive, trying to see if I could place him. After a while I decided to go in and ask the barman for a cup of coffee and a read of the morning newspaper. I get my coffee and newspaper and sit down and stay on look out again.

I see the manager and he calls me over for a chat. We run through the usual formalities. We come to the 'Why the gap in your cv?' question. 'What have you been doing recently? ' Even though I was expecting the question, panic set in. I wanted to explain my situation, that I had recently been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and was getting a handle on it, medication wise, but instead, for some crazy reason, I blurted out 'I had a heart problem, at 29 years of age!' I walked out of there, shaking my head in bewilderment!

Looking back at this, I realise that I was afraid I was going to be judged unfairly because of my true medical condition. I wonder to myself, should I have been completely honest? or would honesty completely ruin my chances of getting the job? I am sure there are so many other people out there like me trying to cross this hurdle. Will the stigma of mental health issues ever be broken?

Order in, chef!

Everyone has been a help to me on twitter, every single person who follows me has helped me in some way. I am writing this piece to pay homage to the chefs of Ireland. Since being diagnosed with a mental health problem, I have found sanctuary in twitter and in many ways it has helped me to rebuild myself and the people who have helped most have been chefs. I have found a hidden love for food and I have found myself going out of the way to impress chefs with my cooking. Now you maybe reading this and saying "what is the point in this post" : I shall explain...

While cooking one Sunday, I had posted a picture of my food and I got a tweet back from Conrad Gallagher telling me he had liked my picture and well done. This for me was like winning the lotto. Mr Conrad Gallagher telling me well done, no feeling would beat it. So lets roll on to the following week, a lady called @lilfoxli suggested that we could have a #sundaycookoff and then the baby was born. To anyone who isn't familiar, #sundaycookoff involves amateur cooks cooking at home on a sunday, posting their pics on our twitter feed and getting judged by a professional chef each week. Now, we had to get a judge so I asked Conrad would he judge #sundaycookoff and he did. The following week I wasn't sure who to ask to judge so I asked Conrad for a heads and he told me to try Gary O'Hanlon. I asked him and he helped. For the past couple of months, @uluruarmgh Dean Coppard has taken on the task of being the weekly judge which I am very grateful for.

I could go on and on for the all the weeks of who helped but I wanted to just get down to the thanks - not just for the #sundaycookoff but for everything.

1. @Gazzachef  Gary O'Hanlon  He always spurs me on, always has words of encouragement about my food and practical advise

   

2. @chefwademurphy Wade Murphy His kind words and belief with my ideas have been great for my self confidence

3. @OrielCookery Barry Smith His one to one lessons via twitter have helped me and my culinary skills 

4.@uluruarmgh Dean Coppard He has helped me week in, week out, to follow my dreams and also with #sundaycookoff

5.@kajuiter His words of wisdom via twitter is enough to give anyone inspiration

6.@patchefic  Pat always has a kind word to say to me and reads my blog posts

7.@Ivanvarian Ivan has helped me also with #sundaycookoff and cooking and music also

8.@raymoranchef Ray has helped me in the art of culinary books which has also helped me cook and take my mind of things

9.@FQchefess Kate has been a great lady with pushing me on and also helping me find balance

10.@TheHandyKitchen Cormac has been of great support to me via twitter in all the food related things I do

11.@jamzer1 This man and his banter on twitter makes me laugh all the time.

I feel these guys have a very hard job and don't get enough thanks for the job that they do, yet they are very supportive to people like me and I have seen other people on twitter who they lend a helping hand. Not only are they chefs but also pillars of support for people on twitter so I feel they should get a thank you. 

I could go on and on, from the people who send the Direct Messages to the people who tweet me occasionally to the people who tweet me daily. Each one of these people have had a fundamental input in helping me to feel better and have given me goals to work towards and basically are really nice people and this is the way in how I wanted to thank them. So if you wanna do me a favour, follow them and say hi .

Thanks for reading 

Golden Ticket

When you become sick in Ireland and are unable to work as a result of it; as a law of the land you are entitled to a medical card. This medical card gives you free health care, GP is payed for, medication is payed for, all in all, this medical card looks after your health. I have been sick since June. I spent 8 weeks in an adult mental health unit. While in hospital I filled out all my forms. It was explained that I would have my entitlements looked after, my sick pay from the government and that I would receive a medical card. Over the last 9 frustrating months I have been back and forth filling out applications when they told me they hadn't received them, applying online when I was advised to do so by a local health officer, making endless phone calls to follow up my applications, to going to a local T.D. for help to generally worrying and stressing myself out for no good reason.  Now while in the middle of all this mess who do I have to help me ??? no one !
So four applications later, lets pause this story and recap:

1. I was in an adult mental health unit
2. I have filled out the paperwork FOUR times
3.The said four different applications have been lost

What I have just said alone should be enough for a case against the state for mishandling of a citizens own mental health.

So lets fast forward I have been given the run around for 9 months ( a child could have been born ). How in Gods name is this good for a person who 1) needs weekly doctor attention 2) needs to get regular bloods done 3) needs to get certs every week written for the government to say I am still in ill health? I don't know about you but this really makes me sick. I am Irish but writing this piece to share with you really makes me wish I lived some where else in the world.

I have come to think that maybe the health system needs a programme in place that when a patient comes out of an adult mental health unit, that they have an advocate or a peer support worker that can work alongside them and help the person get all their benefits sorted for them, or all in all just a helping hand. It is unfortunate but a reality, that people who leave a mental health unit need help and support because they are delicate and vulnerable.

Lets just hope that this medical card nightmare will end soon!

Hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading.

Cabin fever

I was admitted to hospital in June and unknown to me, when you have a Mental Health Problem, you are put into a Adult Mental Heath Unit. This for me was a shocking experience at the time. I was seen by the psychiatric doctor in the hospital and she carried out her exam on me. She then broke the news to me I was going to be put in to the Adult Mental Health Unit, or in more commonly heard terms, the psych ward or the loony ward. Yes I was going to this place and I was going now.

As we made the walk to the unit, I thought I was on death row and was about to be put to death. I did not see any light at the end of the tunnel, as far as I thought, I was about to be put to death for having a problem with my head. Now hindsight is a great thing, I now know that I was about to embark on a journey to get my life sorted once and for all.

When we came to the unit we were buzzed in. I was told to take a seat and the doctor would get the duty nurse to come and speak to me. I sat down in this cold and dreary hall at 8pm in the evening I think, I sat there and it seemed to be hours waiting and all I did was pick a spot on the wall and stared at it. I was not going to make eye contact with anything or anyone. People came and tried to speak to me but I was not in the right mind frame to speak to anyone. I kept focusing on my spot on the wall till the nurse came. Deep down inside I was afraid, I wanted to scream get me out of here, I wanted to cry and look for a parent to embrace me with a hug and tell me every thing was going to be ok .

The nurse came to speak to me to get my details, this was a 15 minute exchange or so and then she showed me to my bed in the ward. When I saw that I was going to be in a 6 bed ward the fear that was already building up on me became even worse. I said thank you to the nurse and I went into the toilet and Iet Niagara falls let loose from my eyes and cried till I made myself sick. As all this was going on I forgot the main thing was I was here to get myself better. The fear was a killer but I could do nothing bar go to bed and try and go to sleep and try and sleep off this nightmare. 

This was just a short account of the first night alone, I came to spend eight weeks in this "unit" and without sounding like a preacher from an American Baptist church I went on a journey and found out some wonderful things about myself. I say that but also I need you to understand how the unit came into play. Its a wonderful place to be, you are cut off from the outside world and all the shit problems that comes with being on the outside. 

When it was coming time to leave, the doctor would first let me leave the unit to go down for a coffee. The first time I did this I went down and turned straight back into the unit. I needed to be back there, I did not want to see anyone. I thought people were looking at me, staring at me and saying 'oh look its the guy from the adult mental health unit'. Over time, I got over this fear and then I had to tackle the fear of going outside the hospital. That was quite a daunting experience because it went from thinking one person was looking at me to thinking everyone walking down the street and driving down the street where looking at me and they all knew my problems.

This was all solved in small steps, and we took everything at a child's pace. It worked out well and after my 8 week stay I was sent on my way. I was to have access to the day services that I still attend every week. So if you are faced with having to go through  what I have done, I hope this helps you and don't be afraid and don't be scared this is a wonderful experience, quite scary at the start but you will get so much help with all the problems that you  may have thought would never be sorted.

As the great Irish man who does Comedy Tommy Tiernan said "its hard having a head"

Thanks for Reading

What is a Mellors?...

Well I am going to explain. So Ladies, get a glass of wine and lads maybe get a box of tissues ! Mellors is my name for the most wonderful girl in my life. I noticed this lovely looking girl close to 10 years ago while she was working in a supermarket that I was also working in.

I was working away and going upstairs for my break and I held the door open for what I can say was beauty at its highest. She looked at me said "thanks" and walked up the stairs. Now I was a young man with hormones racing and I took my time to let her walk up ahead of me and stare in awe. So I proceeded to take my break and ask everyone who she was, who was this amazing looking girl with the dyed pink hair! So after all my detective work was done,I had my plan set - I had to win her over and the battle begun, it took me a while but she caved in to my persistent advances and I finally got my chance to go out on a "date" with her. So that's how it began ..

Now I don't want to go into the gory details because I would have to set this blog to +18 haha. I could not picture my life without this woman, she has done so much in my life that I don't think anyone else would even be bothered with. I still get that feeling when she comes home from work.. the feeling is like you know when you were around 6 and you would run down the hill and you got THAT feeling in your belly. Well that's the feeling I get when I don't see my Mellors for a while.

She has been amazing and stuck by me when everything went wrong. When I was faced to spending  8 weeks in Hospital with my mental health problems she was there and helped me. I feel since I have been to hospital and got help, our relationship is getting stronger and stronger. I was a terrible man for drinking and now that I don't drink I also feel this has put a extra foundation to our relationship. For all of those things, I am forever in her debt and she may never know how much she has helped me and shaped me to become the person that I am very happy with today.

We have shared such wonderful times that I will never forget, with this woman I have seen so much LIVE music I will never forget. We have gone to the UK to see music, the USA to see music, even to Belgium to see music. We have gone to Broadway for a show and great comedy gigs. All these moments that we have shared are also things that are close to my heart.

So you can keep your photo-shopped, wannabe models - I'll take my Mellors, she is a true beauty, she is very smart, she has also the most wonderful sense of humour that can me me laugh so hard I have sore ribs. She is not fake, she speaks her mind and everyday with her I count as a blessing. 

Just incase and one reads this and thinks I am sounding like a proud father over a child or somthing I would like to tell you I am not ! I see the looks she gets when she walks around town she is still a head turner for the age of her - She is only five months older then me but thats years in my book

I could write all night long on how much that my Mellors means to me, I just wanted to give you guys a little picture into my heart on how much this woman is amazing and how amazing she is to me.

Thanks for reading

Im on a boat...

So to continue on from our story last night, this is where I make the journey to my new home....

The tannoy announces that they shall board in 15 min's. The excitement kicks in and with that the nerves, 'what the hell am I doing - I am leaving Ireland over a phone bill'. I think to myself, 'people have left the country for more serious reasons' - well to me this was serious. I am trying to escape from yet another beating, to get away from my responsibility of being in charge of a household at 15 years of age. I am leaving to find a new life, to reclaim the one that had been taken away from me. So with all that thinking done, I left my seat to make my way onto the boat . Now boarding the boat and trying not to look like a fish out of water was a strange thing for me to do. I was starting to feel sick, I was sweating, the anxiety was making me look like a victim straight out of an intensive care unit but I got through it.

On the boat, I decided to calm down and go outside to get some fresh air. I noticed a guy in his mid twenty's having a smoke... so being as brazen as I was, I went over and said 'excuse me would you have a spare smoke?' . The guy who we shall call "Mark" said 'yes, no problem' so I took the smoke and exchanged small talk. The small talk turned into big talk and I told him what I was doing and he offered me a place to stay in London! I was thinking to myself 'this is great, I am on the right road, nothing can stop me', my luck was on track. Throughout the journey to hollyhead we where chatting, "Mark" seemed like a sound fella. We got off in hollyhead and as I had already bought my train ticket in Dublin, I proceeded to look for the platform with my new friend. We boarded the train to London. 

The train was old fashioned - stank of smoke and urine. Great, 12 a.m. in Wales, a 7 hour journey to London  and these smells! So on the train, the chatting with "Mark" was starting to fizzle out and come to yes/no answers.. at the time I thought 'oh he must be tired'. Beside me sat this nice lady with her two daugthers and a older woman. I got talking to the nice lady her name was "Paula". We smoked out the window while travelling along through Wales at night. I told her what I was doing and how I met my new friend "Mark". She said 'here take my number and address, if you have any problem make sure to call me'. I took the paper and stuck it in my back pocket and said goodbye. Myself and "Mark" left for home.. it was around 10 a.m. When we got there, I tried to show my independence so I said 'I am off out for the day to look for work'. So I went off out around London by myself for the day and spent the whole day looking for work and nothing ! When I got home to "Marks" I opened the door to see him stoned off his nut and drunk and he told me I had to leave... 

I thought to myself 'oh, this is a great first day in London'.

So with all my belongings, I went down to the phone box to call "Paula". She answered and I explained what had happened she said to get to her house straight away. She gave me directions, so I went on another journey to get to her house. I had to change tubes twice but I managed to get to the tube station which she had directed. I  made my way to the phone box, put my hand in my pocket to get my piece of paper to call "Paula" and shit I lost it! I had left the piece of paper on the tube -11 pm, 15 years of age, in the middle of London and no point of contact with anyone. I took a moment to calm my nerves and said 'oh ok, this cannot be too much different to Ireland, I'll ask someone do they know a "Paula" that lives around here'. 30 min's of asking and nobody would answer me. Then I saw a man dressed in traditional Muslim dress come towards me. I thought 'maybe he will know'. I asked the man, he did not know but said he would give me a room for the night as I explained I had no where to go.

We went to the nice mans flat. He made me a wonderful dinner, he also ran me a nice warm bath. I got cleaned up. The man said he would sleep outside the flat in the hallway on the floor so I would not be worried and let me sleep in his bed. I slept and awoke to a nice breakfast of fruit and the man said to me he had wrote out some numbers - the YMCA, the police and such on and gave me 200 English pound and he told me if I could not find the lady to use the numbers and if they did not help to come back to him. I thanked him very much and made my way to find my friend "Paula". I knew she lived close to a pub so I made my way there. When I reached the area I was trying to remember the house number in my brain and I knew it was in the 20's. So I was asking around for a few hours and then some one pointed me in the right direction. I then went knocking on doors like a door to door sales man looking for "Paula" around 30 min's in to my door to door search I had found her !

So when I found her we went in and I had explained everything that had happened, she was quite shocked and also quite relived that I had found her. I had said I needed to find work. She gave me a list of places to go but it was Sunday so we needed to relax. I spent most of the day planning how I was going to make a new start in London and how this place was so much better then Dublin.

Monday morning and I had my plan of assault on London in place I said goodbye to "Paula" and made my way to all the places she had told me. I spent all day looking for work and no luck but on the way home to "Paula" I stopped off in a shop to get my ears piecered two times on each side and I stopped of in a barbers and managed to get my hair bleached SNOW white for quite cheap. I went home and "Paula" was shocked to see how much I had changed myself. 

So as the days had gone on, it had come to Thursday I had sorted a job to pack boxes. I told "Paula" I had got a job and I would be on my way come monday when I started. So Thursday night I decided seeing as I never bothered to call home I would call my friend. I made contact with Ireland and it turns out the place was up in arms looking for me, the guards were in my school, my father was on the radio, my brother was asking my friends if they knew anything, my sister had flown home from the america to come find me. All this was way to much to take in so I said to my friend I would call back tomorrow. I told "Paula" when I went home that night feeling like a data overload was going on in my brain. I did not sleep wondering what have I done.

The next morning I raced down to the phone box to make contact with Ireland calling friends to see if they where on to me or knew where I was. I had then talked to my girlfriends mother and she explained everything in detail, so by the end of us talking I said 'OK tell my sister I will meet her Saturday in Liverpool St Station in London'. The deal was in motion, I went home and explained to "Paula" and she said she would come with me to meet my sister and explain everything was OK.

The morning had come very quick and the day left just as quick. We had to meet my sister at 8pm. I was nervous - she flew all the way around the world to save me, was she going to be mad with me ?  Oh the anixety! As we got off the tube and into Liverpool St Station, Police were everywhere. I thought there had been a murder ! I saw my sister standing with a man close to her. I went over to her not knowing what to say. I must have stood beside her for a good 2 min's and I had to bring her attention to me by sort of child like fashion of pulling on her coat... with that she roared my name and we were surrounded by police. With shock I realised it wasn't a murder but the police were looking for me ... we were taken away by the police. My sister had to do a lot of explaining and when they let us go our own way, I had to do a lot of explaining to her!

Eventually, my sister and I came to the decision that I would return to Ireland to live with my brother. I would not have to return home. That was fine with me. I sort of won in the end.....And No i never did pay that phone bill!!

That was my trip to London. I hope you liked it 

Fight or Flight Response

So a big turning point in my life was the wonderful journey I decided to take at the age of 15 - I was going to run away to London. It was a wonderful journey so I think its worth telling, so pull up a seat, get a cuppa and kick back and relax while I try and paint a picture for you of a week in my life 14 years ago. All names are changed in this re account of the story.

So when I was in 3rd year in secondary school I had got myself a girlfriend who lived around 40 min's away on a bus. So at times when I was left alone in my house and had no one else to talk to I would call her and speak for hours upon a time maybe like from 6pm till 8 pm maybe even 9pm. All of these phone calls would lead to a quite outstanding phone bill of over 280 pound the exact price has slipped my mind. The point is I quite expected the phone bill to come in at a large price and it came one day when my father was not around on a Monday morning. So I got home and opened the phone bill and saw the price and knew if my father saw the bill I was going to be in for a severe beating. Deciding I had had enough beatings from him I decided to run and get the hell out of there before any damage would come to me. In my mind I had till Friday to put a plan in motion I was leaving the country.

Now I had no passport but I knew I could get to England via the ferry. So Friday morning came and after days of planning and wondering what the hell I was going to do, I had it all worked out. I knew Friday was pay day so I decided to hijack my fathers money. I took his bankcard and also took any other money I could in the house. I did not turn into school. I decided to head out to my friends house which was close to dun laoghaire. Now I had around 300 pound in my pocket plus the ATM card which I was going to use before boarding the boat on Saturday morning. I told my close friends what the plan was and as to be expected, they tried to talk me down into not doing it but I was adamant,  my mind was made up. I told them all not to tell my girlfriend of the time until I was gone ... why I said this I don't know but everything was set in motion now. My other friend "Mary" had given me an envelope and told me not to open it till I was on the boat, I said no problem. Now being the child that I was, I thought great she is after emptying her bank account and giving me loads of money.

So lets fast forward its Saturday and the only person to see me off is "Mary" and she said some nice friend things like look after yourself and stay safe and such on and don't open the envelope till your on the boat. I said to her no problem we hugged and she started crying. I walked away trying to be all grown up and did not look around. So as I walk up with my ticket in hand I keep on saying to myself "keep it together, keep it together" I showed the workers my ticket and BINGO I was on the way to England, here I was 15 years of age about to go on a journey like my ancestors did. I was going on a boat to England to do what many Irish had done before me ! No beating for me and no thoughts about anyone else bar myself and this wonderful new life I was going to start in England - the land that welcomes so many Irish people. 

So I got up the stairs waiting for the boat's boarding gate to open, now two things were on my mind, the ATM card and the 100's of pounds in the envelope from my friend "Mary". So I had the pin number written down on a piece of paper. I went to the ATM, put in the card , now I did not know how much was in the account but I said I would try for 100 pound first. I put the card in tried for the 100 pound and it swallowed it straight away DAMN, HE WAS ON TO ME. I had to relax now I was over the hard part I was going to just have to sit down, not look suspicious and wait to board the boat. While I was sitting down and waiting, I decided to open the envelope and see what was in it. I opened it and to my shock, not even a fiver just a nice letter from Mary explaining how much of an impact I had made on her life and how good of a friend I was and to be safe.

Now I was told not to make posts too long so I'll leave it here for today and tomorrow I will continue this story from when I get on the boat and how I got on in London.

Thanks for reading

2012 The year of the uprising

                      So I am going to try to keep this blog updated as much as I can.

As I write this today I am 210 days sober and 210 days dealing with a mental health problem. Its getting easier to digest but its still a fucking hard concrete block stuck in my stomach. I have said before and ill say it again if you have a problem its a hard thing for people to really know what to say or what to do.If you broke your leg they would know what to say !

As I walked around town today I saw posters stuck along the river trying to raise awareness for "mind your mind" that's nice ! Has any one looked at the help lines for people with mental health problems ? Not one is a free phone number to the best of my knowledge. So lets paint a picture here for a moment. Its 2 am all shops are closed in this shit hole of a place so no credit for MY pay as you go phone ! I look up and see a number that is 1890 *** *** what do I do ???!!! Now I know these people were doing a good job but that is just a little thing that I have a problem with!

Now on to a better note a nice women took it upon herself to form a band of wonderful soldiers and produce a film here it is

So we have a group of people who all got together out of their own free time to make this movie to help with a problem that is growing and growing and growing ! This needs to be sorted people so lets all not lie down and wag our fucking tales like stupid dogs lets stand up like the great Irish wolf hound and make a fucking stand. Mental Health is a growning problem in Ireland and people need help ! Do me a favour don't say "ah sure your getting your tablets-" Tablets ain't the fucking answer ! Its a whole lots of things that help... cognitive behavioural therapy works, writing stuff helps, talking helps, having support helps not just left to the side and saying "ah sure he is taking his tablets he is grand now" ... if you think that I have two words for you.. are you ready? here they come... FUCK YOU ! Also I would like to add these people had a 24/7 service running over Twitter ( Twitter has been a great help for me ) and over Facebook.

Again I ask why could the government not bother their hole's to do something like this. Like it or not, social media is taken its place on the kitchen table in nearly every household in Ireland. I turn on the radio today to hear about Rachel Allen killing pheasants. WHO GIVES A FUCK ?!! While this was one of the breaking story's all over the news today, I seen 3 people mention that they just got news that 3 men had took their owns lives in Ireland. Yet the news media want to go on about some fucking gobshite with a shot gun killing some food ! Oh Ireland, how you make me titter ! Anyway, before I blow a vein in the side of my head I am going to go !

Thanks for reading

Ciaran

The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.

“To be a writer is to sit in judgement on yourself” A friend told me 

When I heard the  awful news about Gary speed, and it took me back 210 days to how I felt. To see such an impact that a death can leave on people is so shocking. I felt like Gary 210 days ago I did not give a fuck, I thought no one cared about me or would give a fuck if I was here or gone. I now know a lot of people give a shite and I would have hurt a lot of people if I had taken my life.

It was so hard for me 210 days ago – I was in a dark place, you could have said boo to me and I would have started crying for no reason. Everywhere I went I thought people were talking about me slagging me off. I really felt like I was the piece of shit you walk on and say to yourself “What the fuck was that I walked on” It’s a rotten place to be in and its rotten to think no one gives a fuck. It’s horrible to feel alone and no one cares but these are the things that went on in my head.

I have a wonderful partner and if I had carried through with my actions,  I would have ruined her life, her family’s life and every one attached to her. Also, my own family and relations and everyone that knew me . At the time, I did not give a fuck because really I thought no one gave a fucking fiddlers about me.

So as I said in my last post,  if I had a broken leg someone would have known I had a problem. Just because I had a mental health problem nobody knew. If you see any problems with your friends or loved ones speak to them or keep a close eye on them. I don’t mean babysit them, but speak to somebody from aware or a local nurse – these things can help save a life.

I am in a much better place now and I hope to stay that way. I am happy,  I know who loves me and I now  know that I make a difference to people’s lives. I hope my blog does the same and hope you guys give me feedback and feel free to ask me questions and thanks for reading. Mental Health needs to be spoken about more in Ireland.

Wonderland aint so pretty…

Wonderland aint so pretty…

“You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” -Morpheus

To be told you have a mental illness is quite a hard thing to grasp, I got told this 210 days ago that I have one and fuck, its a hard thing to swallow. I don’t know what to say to people at times and i’ll be fucked if I know what to do, every day is a struggle. It aint really a thing you can sit down and think about because if you do, it will fuck with your head even more!

For me being a “Irish Man” – we don’t talk about our feelings or express how we feel. So, as a nation of men we are all borderline fucking crazy anyway. My mother died when I was young so growing up was very hard with a father who turned to alcohol for love instead of his family. Do I blame him… maybe !

If I talked more and expressed my feelings instead of locking it all up do I think I would be like this ? I think it may have helped me more and I would not have done a stint in hospital, upset the love of my life and in due course, fucked up the direction my life was going. I am happy with the way things are going now and when I say to myself  ’was this a bad thing or a good thing’ ? I think thatthe answer is good –  it was a very defining  point in my life, it has led me to be the person I should have been 10 years ago!

In saying all that, I do have regrets. I lived a very fruitful life but I also did a lot of stupid fucking shite, that today as I type this I am not happy with. But it has made me who I am- so with that I am happy. I realise now,  it was  a turning point in my life, i had to go through all the shite to come out the better side.

 The downside for me at the moment is taking  my medication, it has fucked up my speech, turning me in to a stammering wanker at times. My short-term memory is also fucked but if the Mrs was to comment I am sure she would say it has always been that way. All these things have had a knock on effect to my self confidence. I am not the guy who sits in the corner at the party, I am the one every one is fucking talking to !! Well that was me when I was drunk but all in all even being sober, when I was working I never was shy or scared to talk to people. That may now be a good thing so people can’t pass judgment on me so quick. They will now think ‘I wonder who this international man of mystery is’!

 So you know the point into todays blog is for people to understand a little into mental illness and the struggle that people go through. If I had a broken leg, yeah every one would be over saying “oh are yeah ok?”  I have a problem in my head people look and think to themselves ‘oh look at yer man not a bother on him walking around looking like the sun is shining out of his arse’! Well no, the sun aint fucking shining, I took the red pill today!

 These past 210 days have been hard in a lot of ways but also have been great. I am trying to get my life right, I know my partner loves me for me! Also I think the world might be in trouble cause I am going to come at them with something - don’t know what but when I do, they are in for a shock!

Thanks for reading

Ciaran

‘Terrible junk food diet of schoolage kids revealed’

Now I don’t know why she was going on about British Kids and not a mention about Irish kids ? It’s quite shocking really when people think about the problems OUR kids are going to be going through in the years to come as they try to study hard and not put on weight! You know I have watched all these programs about school dinners, done by Jamie Oliver (who I think is a twat most of the time) about kids having healthy good food in school.

Well Jamie is spot on, Lads & Ladies for god sake take some time out and get your kids a decent lunch. If you live a 10 or 15 minute walk away from the school LET THEM WALK !!! It really bugs me when I stop to get petrol around lunch time and you see kids in the shop looking for junk food cause mammy and daddy wanted to stay in bed for an extra 15 mins and not get up and make a lunch for the kids.

Anyway I think it’s not too much to expect a parent to take the time out to make their kids a decent lunch. Tell your school to get rid of the tuck shop, and get the kids involved in a health buzz. A large part of the problem is that we as parents have given our kids too much choice.

When you think about it, our hardcore Nazi parents had the right idea. Make us eat what was on the plate- if we said “No” we did not get food! Well it happened to me and god I know I tried my arm once or twice by saying I was not eating it, Yes I went to bed with no food and had to wait till the morning for my porridge. The next night I made sure I ate my dinner. Now don’t go thinking I was an abused child or any thing.. all I am saying is certain things my ma and da went hard on, but apart from that they were quite sound.

So I think we need to stamp our feet, not give in and think about these kids and look after them.

All in all, who am I just another candle in the wind… but I could be right !

All the best and thanks for taking the time out to read.

Ciaran

ABOUT ME

Well to say what your about I dont know what to say really. I am not going to say the normal crap, I am tall dark and handsome and like long walks, or try to be funny. I am 30 from Ireland and have a strange out look on life I hate people who bullshit or try to be fake.

I am living in the country with my partner and we live a great life with all the normal up’s and down’s.

Any way if people do end up read this you can make your own mind up about me !