“To be a writer is to sit in judgement on yourself” A friend told me
When I heard the awful news about Gary speed, and it took me back 210 days to how I felt. To see such an impact that a death can leave on people is so shocking. I felt like Gary 210 days ago I did not give a fuck, I thought no one cared about me or would give a fuck if I was here or gone. I now know a lot of people give a shite and I would have hurt a lot of people if I had taken my life.
It was so hard for me 210 days ago – I was in a dark place, you could have said boo to me and I would have started crying for no reason. Everywhere I went I thought people were talking about me slagging me off. I really felt like I was the piece of shit you walk on and say to yourself “What the fuck was that I walked on” It’s a rotten place to be in and its rotten to think no one gives a fuck. It’s horrible to feel alone and no one cares but these are the things that went on in my head.
I have a wonderful partner and if I had carried through with my actions, I would have ruined her life, her family’s life and every one attached to her. Also, my own family and relations and everyone that knew me . At the time, I did not give a fuck because really I thought no one gave a fucking fiddlers about me.
So as I said in my last post, if I had a broken leg someone would have known I had a problem. Just because I had a mental health problem nobody knew. If you see any problems with your friends or loved ones speak to them or keep a close eye on them. I don’t mean babysit them, but speak to somebody from aware or a local nurse – these things can help save a life.
I am in a much better place now and I hope to stay that way. I am happy, I know who loves me and I now know that I make a difference to people’s lives. I hope my blog does the same and hope you guys give me feedback and feel free to ask me questions and thanks for reading. Mental Health needs to be spoken about more in Ireland.