Wonderland aint so pretty…

Wonderland aint so pretty…

“You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” -Morpheus

To be told you have a mental illness is quite a hard thing to grasp, I got told this 210 days ago that I have one and fuck, its a hard thing to swallow. I don’t know what to say to people at times and i’ll be fucked if I know what to do, every day is a struggle. It aint really a thing you can sit down and think about because if you do, it will fuck with your head even more!

For me being a “Irish Man” – we don’t talk about our feelings or express how we feel. So, as a nation of men we are all borderline fucking crazy anyway. My mother died when I was young so growing up was very hard with a father who turned to alcohol for love instead of his family. Do I blame him… maybe !

If I talked more and expressed my feelings instead of locking it all up do I think I would be like this ? I think it may have helped me more and I would not have done a stint in hospital, upset the love of my life and in due course, fucked up the direction my life was going. I am happy with the way things are going now and when I say to myself  ’was this a bad thing or a good thing’ ? I think thatthe answer is good –  it was a very defining  point in my life, it has led me to be the person I should have been 10 years ago!

In saying all that, I do have regrets. I lived a very fruitful life but I also did a lot of stupid fucking shite, that today as I type this I am not happy with. But it has made me who I am- so with that I am happy. I realise now,  it was  a turning point in my life, i had to go through all the shite to come out the better side.

 The downside for me at the moment is taking  my medication, it has fucked up my speech, turning me in to a stammering wanker at times. My short-term memory is also fucked but if the Mrs was to comment I am sure she would say it has always been that way. All these things have had a knock on effect to my self confidence. I am not the guy who sits in the corner at the party, I am the one every one is fucking talking to !! Well that was me when I was drunk but all in all even being sober, when I was working I never was shy or scared to talk to people. That may now be a good thing so people can’t pass judgment on me so quick. They will now think ‘I wonder who this international man of mystery is’!

 So you know the point into todays blog is for people to understand a little into mental illness and the struggle that people go through. If I had a broken leg, yeah every one would be over saying “oh are yeah ok?”  I have a problem in my head people look and think to themselves ‘oh look at yer man not a bother on him walking around looking like the sun is shining out of his arse’! Well no, the sun aint fucking shining, I took the red pill today!

 These past 210 days have been hard in a lot of ways but also have been great. I am trying to get my life right, I know my partner loves me for me! Also I think the world might be in trouble cause I am going to come at them with something - don’t know what but when I do, they are in for a shock!

Thanks for reading

Ciaran