Cabin fever

I was admitted to hospital in June and unknown to me, when you have a Mental Health Problem, you are put into a Adult Mental Heath Unit. This for me was a shocking experience at the time. I was seen by the psychiatric doctor in the hospital and she carried out her exam on me. She then broke the news to me I was going to be put in to the Adult Mental Health Unit, or in more commonly heard terms, the psych ward or the loony ward. Yes I was going to this place and I was going now.

As we made the walk to the unit, I thought I was on death row and was about to be put to death. I did not see any light at the end of the tunnel, as far as I thought, I was about to be put to death for having a problem with my head. Now hindsight is a great thing, I now know that I was about to embark on a journey to get my life sorted once and for all.

When we came to the unit we were buzzed in. I was told to take a seat and the doctor would get the duty nurse to come and speak to me. I sat down in this cold and dreary hall at 8pm in the evening I think, I sat there and it seemed to be hours waiting and all I did was pick a spot on the wall and stared at it. I was not going to make eye contact with anything or anyone. People came and tried to speak to me but I was not in the right mind frame to speak to anyone. I kept focusing on my spot on the wall till the nurse came. Deep down inside I was afraid, I wanted to scream get me out of here, I wanted to cry and look for a parent to embrace me with a hug and tell me every thing was going to be ok .

The nurse came to speak to me to get my details, this was a 15 minute exchange or so and then she showed me to my bed in the ward. When I saw that I was going to be in a 6 bed ward the fear that was already building up on me became even worse. I said thank you to the nurse and I went into the toilet and Iet Niagara falls let loose from my eyes and cried till I made myself sick. As all this was going on I forgot the main thing was I was here to get myself better. The fear was a killer but I could do nothing bar go to bed and try and go to sleep and try and sleep off this nightmare. 

This was just a short account of the first night alone, I came to spend eight weeks in this "unit" and without sounding like a preacher from an American Baptist church I went on a journey and found out some wonderful things about myself. I say that but also I need you to understand how the unit came into play. Its a wonderful place to be, you are cut off from the outside world and all the shit problems that comes with being on the outside. 

When it was coming time to leave, the doctor would first let me leave the unit to go down for a coffee. The first time I did this I went down and turned straight back into the unit. I needed to be back there, I did not want to see anyone. I thought people were looking at me, staring at me and saying 'oh look its the guy from the adult mental health unit'. Over time, I got over this fear and then I had to tackle the fear of going outside the hospital. That was quite a daunting experience because it went from thinking one person was looking at me to thinking everyone walking down the street and driving down the street where looking at me and they all knew my problems.

This was all solved in small steps, and we took everything at a child's pace. It worked out well and after my 8 week stay I was sent on my way. I was to have access to the day services that I still attend every week. So if you are faced with having to go through  what I have done, I hope this helps you and don't be afraid and don't be scared this is a wonderful experience, quite scary at the start but you will get so much help with all the problems that you  may have thought would never be sorted.

As the great Irish man who does Comedy Tommy Tiernan said "its hard having a head"

Thanks for Reading

What is a Mellors?...

Well I am going to explain. So Ladies, get a glass of wine and lads maybe get a box of tissues ! Mellors is my name for the most wonderful girl in my life. I noticed this lovely looking girl close to 10 years ago while she was working in a supermarket that I was also working in.

I was working away and going upstairs for my break and I held the door open for what I can say was beauty at its highest. She looked at me said "thanks" and walked up the stairs. Now I was a young man with hormones racing and I took my time to let her walk up ahead of me and stare in awe. So I proceeded to take my break and ask everyone who she was, who was this amazing looking girl with the dyed pink hair! So after all my detective work was done,I had my plan set - I had to win her over and the battle begun, it took me a while but she caved in to my persistent advances and I finally got my chance to go out on a "date" with her. So that's how it began ..

Now I don't want to go into the gory details because I would have to set this blog to +18 haha. I could not picture my life without this woman, she has done so much in my life that I don't think anyone else would even be bothered with. I still get that feeling when she comes home from work.. the feeling is like you know when you were around 6 and you would run down the hill and you got THAT feeling in your belly. Well that's the feeling I get when I don't see my Mellors for a while.

She has been amazing and stuck by me when everything went wrong. When I was faced to spending  8 weeks in Hospital with my mental health problems she was there and helped me. I feel since I have been to hospital and got help, our relationship is getting stronger and stronger. I was a terrible man for drinking and now that I don't drink I also feel this has put a extra foundation to our relationship. For all of those things, I am forever in her debt and she may never know how much she has helped me and shaped me to become the person that I am very happy with today.

We have shared such wonderful times that I will never forget, with this woman I have seen so much LIVE music I will never forget. We have gone to the UK to see music, the USA to see music, even to Belgium to see music. We have gone to Broadway for a show and great comedy gigs. All these moments that we have shared are also things that are close to my heart.

So you can keep your photo-shopped, wannabe models - I'll take my Mellors, she is a true beauty, she is very smart, she has also the most wonderful sense of humour that can me me laugh so hard I have sore ribs. She is not fake, she speaks her mind and everyday with her I count as a blessing. 

Just incase and one reads this and thinks I am sounding like a proud father over a child or somthing I would like to tell you I am not ! I see the looks she gets when she walks around town she is still a head turner for the age of her - She is only five months older then me but thats years in my book

I could write all night long on how much that my Mellors means to me, I just wanted to give you guys a little picture into my heart on how much this woman is amazing and how amazing she is to me.

Thanks for reading

Im on a boat...

So to continue on from our story last night, this is where I make the journey to my new home....

The tannoy announces that they shall board in 15 min's. The excitement kicks in and with that the nerves, 'what the hell am I doing - I am leaving Ireland over a phone bill'. I think to myself, 'people have left the country for more serious reasons' - well to me this was serious. I am trying to escape from yet another beating, to get away from my responsibility of being in charge of a household at 15 years of age. I am leaving to find a new life, to reclaim the one that had been taken away from me. So with all that thinking done, I left my seat to make my way onto the boat . Now boarding the boat and trying not to look like a fish out of water was a strange thing for me to do. I was starting to feel sick, I was sweating, the anxiety was making me look like a victim straight out of an intensive care unit but I got through it.

On the boat, I decided to calm down and go outside to get some fresh air. I noticed a guy in his mid twenty's having a smoke... so being as brazen as I was, I went over and said 'excuse me would you have a spare smoke?' . The guy who we shall call "Mark" said 'yes, no problem' so I took the smoke and exchanged small talk. The small talk turned into big talk and I told him what I was doing and he offered me a place to stay in London! I was thinking to myself 'this is great, I am on the right road, nothing can stop me', my luck was on track. Throughout the journey to hollyhead we where chatting, "Mark" seemed like a sound fella. We got off in hollyhead and as I had already bought my train ticket in Dublin, I proceeded to look for the platform with my new friend. We boarded the train to London. 

The train was old fashioned - stank of smoke and urine. Great, 12 a.m. in Wales, a 7 hour journey to London  and these smells! So on the train, the chatting with "Mark" was starting to fizzle out and come to yes/no answers.. at the time I thought 'oh he must be tired'. Beside me sat this nice lady with her two daugthers and a older woman. I got talking to the nice lady her name was "Paula". We smoked out the window while travelling along through Wales at night. I told her what I was doing and how I met my new friend "Mark". She said 'here take my number and address, if you have any problem make sure to call me'. I took the paper and stuck it in my back pocket and said goodbye. Myself and "Mark" left for home.. it was around 10 a.m. When we got there, I tried to show my independence so I said 'I am off out for the day to look for work'. So I went off out around London by myself for the day and spent the whole day looking for work and nothing ! When I got home to "Marks" I opened the door to see him stoned off his nut and drunk and he told me I had to leave... 

I thought to myself 'oh, this is a great first day in London'.

So with all my belongings, I went down to the phone box to call "Paula". She answered and I explained what had happened she said to get to her house straight away. She gave me directions, so I went on another journey to get to her house. I had to change tubes twice but I managed to get to the tube station which she had directed. I  made my way to the phone box, put my hand in my pocket to get my piece of paper to call "Paula" and shit I lost it! I had left the piece of paper on the tube -11 pm, 15 years of age, in the middle of London and no point of contact with anyone. I took a moment to calm my nerves and said 'oh ok, this cannot be too much different to Ireland, I'll ask someone do they know a "Paula" that lives around here'. 30 min's of asking and nobody would answer me. Then I saw a man dressed in traditional Muslim dress come towards me. I thought 'maybe he will know'. I asked the man, he did not know but said he would give me a room for the night as I explained I had no where to go.

We went to the nice mans flat. He made me a wonderful dinner, he also ran me a nice warm bath. I got cleaned up. The man said he would sleep outside the flat in the hallway on the floor so I would not be worried and let me sleep in his bed. I slept and awoke to a nice breakfast of fruit and the man said to me he had wrote out some numbers - the YMCA, the police and such on and gave me 200 English pound and he told me if I could not find the lady to use the numbers and if they did not help to come back to him. I thanked him very much and made my way to find my friend "Paula". I knew she lived close to a pub so I made my way there. When I reached the area I was trying to remember the house number in my brain and I knew it was in the 20's. So I was asking around for a few hours and then some one pointed me in the right direction. I then went knocking on doors like a door to door sales man looking for "Paula" around 30 min's in to my door to door search I had found her !

So when I found her we went in and I had explained everything that had happened, she was quite shocked and also quite relived that I had found her. I had said I needed to find work. She gave me a list of places to go but it was Sunday so we needed to relax. I spent most of the day planning how I was going to make a new start in London and how this place was so much better then Dublin.

Monday morning and I had my plan of assault on London in place I said goodbye to "Paula" and made my way to all the places she had told me. I spent all day looking for work and no luck but on the way home to "Paula" I stopped off in a shop to get my ears piecered two times on each side and I stopped of in a barbers and managed to get my hair bleached SNOW white for quite cheap. I went home and "Paula" was shocked to see how much I had changed myself. 

So as the days had gone on, it had come to Thursday I had sorted a job to pack boxes. I told "Paula" I had got a job and I would be on my way come monday when I started. So Thursday night I decided seeing as I never bothered to call home I would call my friend. I made contact with Ireland and it turns out the place was up in arms looking for me, the guards were in my school, my father was on the radio, my brother was asking my friends if they knew anything, my sister had flown home from the america to come find me. All this was way to much to take in so I said to my friend I would call back tomorrow. I told "Paula" when I went home that night feeling like a data overload was going on in my brain. I did not sleep wondering what have I done.

The next morning I raced down to the phone box to make contact with Ireland calling friends to see if they where on to me or knew where I was. I had then talked to my girlfriends mother and she explained everything in detail, so by the end of us talking I said 'OK tell my sister I will meet her Saturday in Liverpool St Station in London'. The deal was in motion, I went home and explained to "Paula" and she said she would come with me to meet my sister and explain everything was OK.

The morning had come very quick and the day left just as quick. We had to meet my sister at 8pm. I was nervous - she flew all the way around the world to save me, was she going to be mad with me ?  Oh the anixety! As we got off the tube and into Liverpool St Station, Police were everywhere. I thought there had been a murder ! I saw my sister standing with a man close to her. I went over to her not knowing what to say. I must have stood beside her for a good 2 min's and I had to bring her attention to me by sort of child like fashion of pulling on her coat... with that she roared my name and we were surrounded by police. With shock I realised it wasn't a murder but the police were looking for me ... we were taken away by the police. My sister had to do a lot of explaining and when they let us go our own way, I had to do a lot of explaining to her!

Eventually, my sister and I came to the decision that I would return to Ireland to live with my brother. I would not have to return home. That was fine with me. I sort of won in the end.....And No i never did pay that phone bill!!

That was my trip to London. I hope you liked it 

Fight or Flight Response

So a big turning point in my life was the wonderful journey I decided to take at the age of 15 - I was going to run away to London. It was a wonderful journey so I think its worth telling, so pull up a seat, get a cuppa and kick back and relax while I try and paint a picture for you of a week in my life 14 years ago. All names are changed in this re account of the story.

So when I was in 3rd year in secondary school I had got myself a girlfriend who lived around 40 min's away on a bus. So at times when I was left alone in my house and had no one else to talk to I would call her and speak for hours upon a time maybe like from 6pm till 8 pm maybe even 9pm. All of these phone calls would lead to a quite outstanding phone bill of over 280 pound the exact price has slipped my mind. The point is I quite expected the phone bill to come in at a large price and it came one day when my father was not around on a Monday morning. So I got home and opened the phone bill and saw the price and knew if my father saw the bill I was going to be in for a severe beating. Deciding I had had enough beatings from him I decided to run and get the hell out of there before any damage would come to me. In my mind I had till Friday to put a plan in motion I was leaving the country.

Now I had no passport but I knew I could get to England via the ferry. So Friday morning came and after days of planning and wondering what the hell I was going to do, I had it all worked out. I knew Friday was pay day so I decided to hijack my fathers money. I took his bankcard and also took any other money I could in the house. I did not turn into school. I decided to head out to my friends house which was close to dun laoghaire. Now I had around 300 pound in my pocket plus the ATM card which I was going to use before boarding the boat on Saturday morning. I told my close friends what the plan was and as to be expected, they tried to talk me down into not doing it but I was adamant,  my mind was made up. I told them all not to tell my girlfriend of the time until I was gone ... why I said this I don't know but everything was set in motion now. My other friend "Mary" had given me an envelope and told me not to open it till I was on the boat, I said no problem. Now being the child that I was, I thought great she is after emptying her bank account and giving me loads of money.

So lets fast forward its Saturday and the only person to see me off is "Mary" and she said some nice friend things like look after yourself and stay safe and such on and don't open the envelope till your on the boat. I said to her no problem we hugged and she started crying. I walked away trying to be all grown up and did not look around. So as I walk up with my ticket in hand I keep on saying to myself "keep it together, keep it together" I showed the workers my ticket and BINGO I was on the way to England, here I was 15 years of age about to go on a journey like my ancestors did. I was going on a boat to England to do what many Irish had done before me ! No beating for me and no thoughts about anyone else bar myself and this wonderful new life I was going to start in England - the land that welcomes so many Irish people. 

So I got up the stairs waiting for the boat's boarding gate to open, now two things were on my mind, the ATM card and the 100's of pounds in the envelope from my friend "Mary". So I had the pin number written down on a piece of paper. I went to the ATM, put in the card , now I did not know how much was in the account but I said I would try for 100 pound first. I put the card in tried for the 100 pound and it swallowed it straight away DAMN, HE WAS ON TO ME. I had to relax now I was over the hard part I was going to just have to sit down, not look suspicious and wait to board the boat. While I was sitting down and waiting, I decided to open the envelope and see what was in it. I opened it and to my shock, not even a fiver just a nice letter from Mary explaining how much of an impact I had made on her life and how good of a friend I was and to be safe.

Now I was told not to make posts too long so I'll leave it here for today and tomorrow I will continue this story from when I get on the boat and how I got on in London.

Thanks for reading

2012 The year of the uprising

                      So I am going to try to keep this blog updated as much as I can.

As I write this today I am 210 days sober and 210 days dealing with a mental health problem. Its getting easier to digest but its still a fucking hard concrete block stuck in my stomach. I have said before and ill say it again if you have a problem its a hard thing for people to really know what to say or what to do.If you broke your leg they would know what to say !

As I walked around town today I saw posters stuck along the river trying to raise awareness for "mind your mind" that's nice ! Has any one looked at the help lines for people with mental health problems ? Not one is a free phone number to the best of my knowledge. So lets paint a picture here for a moment. Its 2 am all shops are closed in this shit hole of a place so no credit for MY pay as you go phone ! I look up and see a number that is 1890 *** *** what do I do ???!!! Now I know these people were doing a good job but that is just a little thing that I have a problem with!

Now on to a better note a nice women took it upon herself to form a band of wonderful soldiers and produce a film here it is

So we have a group of people who all got together out of their own free time to make this movie to help with a problem that is growing and growing and growing ! This needs to be sorted people so lets all not lie down and wag our fucking tales like stupid dogs lets stand up like the great Irish wolf hound and make a fucking stand. Mental Health is a growning problem in Ireland and people need help ! Do me a favour don't say "ah sure your getting your tablets-" Tablets ain't the fucking answer ! Its a whole lots of things that help... cognitive behavioural therapy works, writing stuff helps, talking helps, having support helps not just left to the side and saying "ah sure he is taking his tablets he is grand now" ... if you think that I have two words for you.. are you ready? here they come... FUCK YOU ! Also I would like to add these people had a 24/7 service running over Twitter ( Twitter has been a great help for me ) and over Facebook.

Again I ask why could the government not bother their hole's to do something like this. Like it or not, social media is taken its place on the kitchen table in nearly every household in Ireland. I turn on the radio today to hear about Rachel Allen killing pheasants. WHO GIVES A FUCK ?!! While this was one of the breaking story's all over the news today, I seen 3 people mention that they just got news that 3 men had took their owns lives in Ireland. Yet the news media want to go on about some fucking gobshite with a shot gun killing some food ! Oh Ireland, how you make me titter ! Anyway, before I blow a vein in the side of my head I am going to go !

Thanks for reading

Ciaran

The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.

“To be a writer is to sit in judgement on yourself” A friend told me 

When I heard the  awful news about Gary speed, and it took me back 210 days to how I felt. To see such an impact that a death can leave on people is so shocking. I felt like Gary 210 days ago I did not give a fuck, I thought no one cared about me or would give a fuck if I was here or gone. I now know a lot of people give a shite and I would have hurt a lot of people if I had taken my life.

It was so hard for me 210 days ago – I was in a dark place, you could have said boo to me and I would have started crying for no reason. Everywhere I went I thought people were talking about me slagging me off. I really felt like I was the piece of shit you walk on and say to yourself “What the fuck was that I walked on” It’s a rotten place to be in and its rotten to think no one gives a fuck. It’s horrible to feel alone and no one cares but these are the things that went on in my head.

I have a wonderful partner and if I had carried through with my actions,  I would have ruined her life, her family’s life and every one attached to her. Also, my own family and relations and everyone that knew me . At the time, I did not give a fuck because really I thought no one gave a fucking fiddlers about me.

So as I said in my last post,  if I had a broken leg someone would have known I had a problem. Just because I had a mental health problem nobody knew. If you see any problems with your friends or loved ones speak to them or keep a close eye on them. I don’t mean babysit them, but speak to somebody from aware or a local nurse – these things can help save a life.

I am in a much better place now and I hope to stay that way. I am happy,  I know who loves me and I now  know that I make a difference to people’s lives. I hope my blog does the same and hope you guys give me feedback and feel free to ask me questions and thanks for reading. Mental Health needs to be spoken about more in Ireland.

Wonderland aint so pretty…

Wonderland aint so pretty…

“You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” -Morpheus

To be told you have a mental illness is quite a hard thing to grasp, I got told this 210 days ago that I have one and fuck, its a hard thing to swallow. I don’t know what to say to people at times and i’ll be fucked if I know what to do, every day is a struggle. It aint really a thing you can sit down and think about because if you do, it will fuck with your head even more!

For me being a “Irish Man” – we don’t talk about our feelings or express how we feel. So, as a nation of men we are all borderline fucking crazy anyway. My mother died when I was young so growing up was very hard with a father who turned to alcohol for love instead of his family. Do I blame him… maybe !

If I talked more and expressed my feelings instead of locking it all up do I think I would be like this ? I think it may have helped me more and I would not have done a stint in hospital, upset the love of my life and in due course, fucked up the direction my life was going. I am happy with the way things are going now and when I say to myself  ’was this a bad thing or a good thing’ ? I think thatthe answer is good –  it was a very defining  point in my life, it has led me to be the person I should have been 10 years ago!

In saying all that, I do have regrets. I lived a very fruitful life but I also did a lot of stupid fucking shite, that today as I type this I am not happy with. But it has made me who I am- so with that I am happy. I realise now,  it was  a turning point in my life, i had to go through all the shite to come out the better side.

 The downside for me at the moment is taking  my medication, it has fucked up my speech, turning me in to a stammering wanker at times. My short-term memory is also fucked but if the Mrs was to comment I am sure she would say it has always been that way. All these things have had a knock on effect to my self confidence. I am not the guy who sits in the corner at the party, I am the one every one is fucking talking to !! Well that was me when I was drunk but all in all even being sober, when I was working I never was shy or scared to talk to people. That may now be a good thing so people can’t pass judgment on me so quick. They will now think ‘I wonder who this international man of mystery is’!

 So you know the point into todays blog is for people to understand a little into mental illness and the struggle that people go through. If I had a broken leg, yeah every one would be over saying “oh are yeah ok?”  I have a problem in my head people look and think to themselves ‘oh look at yer man not a bother on him walking around looking like the sun is shining out of his arse’! Well no, the sun aint fucking shining, I took the red pill today!

 These past 210 days have been hard in a lot of ways but also have been great. I am trying to get my life right, I know my partner loves me for me! Also I think the world might be in trouble cause I am going to come at them with something - don’t know what but when I do, they are in for a shock!

Thanks for reading

Ciaran

‘Terrible junk food diet of schoolage kids revealed’

Now I don’t know why she was going on about British Kids and not a mention about Irish kids ? It’s quite shocking really when people think about the problems OUR kids are going to be going through in the years to come as they try to study hard and not put on weight! You know I have watched all these programs about school dinners, done by Jamie Oliver (who I think is a twat most of the time) about kids having healthy good food in school.

Well Jamie is spot on, Lads & Ladies for god sake take some time out and get your kids a decent lunch. If you live a 10 or 15 minute walk away from the school LET THEM WALK !!! It really bugs me when I stop to get petrol around lunch time and you see kids in the shop looking for junk food cause mammy and daddy wanted to stay in bed for an extra 15 mins and not get up and make a lunch for the kids.

Anyway I think it’s not too much to expect a parent to take the time out to make their kids a decent lunch. Tell your school to get rid of the tuck shop, and get the kids involved in a health buzz. A large part of the problem is that we as parents have given our kids too much choice.

When you think about it, our hardcore Nazi parents had the right idea. Make us eat what was on the plate- if we said “No” we did not get food! Well it happened to me and god I know I tried my arm once or twice by saying I was not eating it, Yes I went to bed with no food and had to wait till the morning for my porridge. The next night I made sure I ate my dinner. Now don’t go thinking I was an abused child or any thing.. all I am saying is certain things my ma and da went hard on, but apart from that they were quite sound.

So I think we need to stamp our feet, not give in and think about these kids and look after them.

All in all, who am I just another candle in the wind… but I could be right !

All the best and thanks for taking the time out to read.

Ciaran

ABOUT ME

Well to say what your about I dont know what to say really. I am not going to say the normal crap, I am tall dark and handsome and like long walks, or try to be funny. I am 30 from Ireland and have a strange out look on life I hate people who bullshit or try to be fake.

I am living in the country with my partner and we live a great life with all the normal up’s and down’s.

Any way if people do end up read this you can make your own mind up about me !